Today I am in an angry mood. Angry at people, angry at the system, angry at everything.
I am on day 11 of being in agonising pain. I have tried to get help, but have been sent home with a pat on the back and some painkillers. Having a cup of tea and some chocolate Hobnobs is literally more effective. So as you can imagine, I am not my usual ray of sunshine.
So when some imbecile wants to actually attack me for ‘not keeping in touch’ with them, I see red; like a bull who has been bullied by all the other bulls all of his life and is now all hench and he catches a glimpse of a tiny bit of red.
This person is ‘family’… loose use of the word and definitely do not read that in your best Peggy Mitchell voice. Someone who hasn’t been involved in my life and certainly made zero effort to check in any of the times I have been in hospital for an extended stay. This person had the audacity to challenge me about my ability to ‘check in’. Not to be princessy, but the only incurable ailment that faces this person is an inability to grasp the English language.
So I had to use the spare bit of energy I had saved away to try and shower to climb up on my horse and put things in to perspective. I am rubbish at staying in contact with people, Mum only lucks out because I moved home. I am rubbish because other things take priority, take my energy and take over my cognitive function. I still work, granted not as much as I used to & not what I trained or worked for, but I go outside, interact with people and earn money. I don’t have the strength to do that but I use borrowed energy to ensure that I have some element of stability in my life. I have to plan ahead to wash my hair & definitely to dry it. I have to book annual leave to do fun things, to see my friends, to bake a cake. The reason that I am in contact with anyone is because they are in contact with me.
That isn’t supposed to be as selfish as it reads. It’s because some days I am so so exhausted that all I can do is crawl in to bed, skip dinner, skip life, just bed. I forget that I haven’t spoken to someone in x days or weeks or more. Then my phone might ping and I’m reminded. Reminded that the person/people in question exist, that they care and that I care back. That’s how it works now. Fortunately those that I love understand that and are patient with me and don’t have expectations above my capability. These people understand that sometimes I am simply too tired to chat, to text, to think.
For all the fantastic people in my world, there is this one, the only one who has ever thrown it back in my face. To that person I have nothing much to say except goodbye. Unfortunately for that person the bridge didn’t just burn. The fire from the burned bridge caused an unprecedented chain of events that rendered the surrounding land and infrastructure forever unstable and no bridge or otherwise can ever be rebuilt.
Sad really, I am an awesome person to lose. I wouldn’t want to lose me.
Now, did someone mention Hobnobs?