Please do not judge me.
Unless you have walked in my shoes; although best not be my new Converse ones or any pair of Ted Baker.
Am I not suffering enough? Do people really not think that I am self conscious enough?
I can’t go around eating just lettuce leaves. That is fact.
Other facts to devour… there are whole food groups that my body, my system or my illness simply cannot tolerate.
Until you have witnessed the explosive reaction of trying to eat tomato or calzone it will be hard to understand. Oh precious calzone how I miss you. These are things I used to be able to eat by the way, so I miss things like calzone or cauliflower cheese.
Grains, nightshade vegetables, cauliflower, acidic fruits, well basically most fruit and veg that isn’t green… these are a few delights that I can’t have. I am still exploring to see what new things need to be added to the no eat list. The latest addition was rye bread.
So go on, talk to me about informed decisions. Like I don’t do that on a daily basis. An informed decision for me includes proximity to a toilet or levels of pain relief I currently have on my person. That’s what informed is now. Make an ill informed choice and I double up in pain or become a semi permanent resident of the toilet.
When I crave fresh cold orange juice and know that I cannot have it anymore I really don’t need someone suggesting I have quinoa or a fruit smoothie, both of which I literally cannot have.
So I do have a list of safe foods. Fortunately that includes bacon, a comforting go to. But should I feel guilty having a bacon roll for my breakfast? I need to eat to have my medication and to ease the agony I wake up to every morning. Hence why sometimes breakfast consists of Hobnobs because they are quick, easy and have a mix of food groups, as well as being the only oaty things I can handle. Also, and not to harp on like an advocate for McVities or anything, but Hobnobs properly keep you going all morning. Just saying.
Sometimes I feel like I have to justify my decisions, not to everyone mind and some of my people are pretty good at knowing now. If I haven’t eaten all day and decide I want a curry, telling me that I probably shouldn’t eat salt is not really the most helpful thing to do. In fact it is on par with strolling over, picking up my plate and throwing it at the wall. Which frankly would at least be a little entertaining rather than hurtful and frustrating.
I know at times it is misplaced concern but seriously, back off. The list of safe foods is actually astonishingly low, hence why eating out tends to mean that I stick to the same choices. Unless I am feeling incredibly daring, I try things at home so that I can manage any issues.
Food is emotional. It can comfort us or make us angry as hell. So when you find yourself limited those emotions can be heightened. I can’t always satisfy cravings and as we know, the steroids sometimes don’t allow me to let go of cravings.
I don’t eat loads of sweets, I don’t have loads of sugar and I don’t live on takeaway. I don’t drink alcohol, if I do my body makes me know about it. I pretty much drink water, with the occasional diet beverage or tea trolley treat. I love my vegetables and fruit and don’t really like carbs.
I do try. I do my best.
So if I want a bacon roll, or a curry or 7 blocks of halloumi please, do not judge me.