I want to break free, free from this illness free from the drugs and the pain.
God knows. God knows I want to break free.
I want to just leave it there, but probably a little anti climactic.
The past few days, on top of a crap few weeks, have been hell. Pure decrepit hell. If I’m really honest I have lost all sense of what day it it. I spent the past few days in bed and has left me more than a little disorientated.
I can’t bear this medication anymore. I hate it. Plus I am pretty certain that one of my prescriptions is to blame for the chronic new pain I have been having. So basically I stopped taking it. Yup, I made the decision and stopped.
It has gone through my mind before to stop everything and just let the chips fall where they may. I feel like an evolving experiment of medication cocktails but with only side effects to show for my years of service. I have tried so many combinations I feel like a rubix cube. None of them have achieved their goal. I yoyo on steroids which is not a good sign at all and I fear I will be trapped in their embrace forever.
All I really want is some peace. I want to sleep. I don’t want to be kept awake by pain, constant ringing in my ears or because my pillow is wet.
I am sick of being a burden on everyone. It gets boring doesn’t it, I know. Imagine feeling like you have to remind people that you need some help, or quiet or for them to do basic things for you. Trouble is, 75% of the time I can’t ask and I don’t say. So I end up with the wet pillow again.
I contemplate life as a nomad. Then I realise I can’t drive, forest wildlife scares me and a 30 something year old wannabe nomad cannot take her teddy bear with her.
Fingers crossed that the Euromillions helps a sister out so that I can pursue my nomadic lifestyle.
Maybe except for the nomadic bit.