Well, technically speaking, last Christmas I tested my heart.
I know I shouldn’t go on rollercoasters, but I miss them and love them and I went to Winter Wonderland… anyhoot, definitely my last dose of fairground adrenaline.
I haven’t posted for a while and there is a reason, not just the festive frolicking or a tiring of my tirades.
All been a bit bleak down here on the Wegener’s train. My much hyped ‘New Treatment Day’ turned in to ‘Bombshell Day’. The bombshell in question I couldn’t put a twist on, I could barely even tell people. I was scared as hell and for the most part held that fear in. That then made me an emotional rollercoaster, obviously my only riding option now. The CT scan I had in December showed an unexplained mass and until discovering what this was, no new treatment plan would be started.
I can talk now because I had a biopsy and it’s benign. My new favourite word. I came home and cried, or let out my pent up anguish. The thought process of potentially having a cancerous intruder was a test I would rather not repeat anytime soon. Prognosis of the big C is bad enough, but throw in my weirdo Wegener’s and well who knows!
This put a halt on things while they investigated, just in case. So I am hopeful that I can finally change my treatment regime and put this monstrous version of myself to bed & return to a sense of normality.
There isn’t a full blessing of rainbows and sunshine however. A secondary set of investigations are being organised to look in more detail as to what my lungs and their sidekick, my heart, are actually up to.
As it stands my heart is in pain and this is literal pain rather than emotional. So I am attempting to keep it as happy as possible. I have a birthday coming up after all that I would rather attend than not.
Retrospectively it may not have been the best idea to go on the big rollercoaster, however it did nearly kill me which provided much chortling for all when we saw the awful ride photo as we made our escape. As it stands though, I have given up lots so a final flourish of fun is ok in my book.
The whole New Year attitude and the heart business together create a new radar for BS. I simply do not have the physical capability to digest drama or additional stress. So I am simply letting go of things that cause it; fake friends, stress inducing trousers and lunching in Subway at The Pentagon, to list but a few.
Might sound harsh, but no one wants to be a catalyst for a heart attack, right?
As I post this I await the treatment update at Hammersmith and am jet setting off to Southampton to spend a couple of days chillaxing with two of my most favourites; all in the name of healing 😊💙.